Remembering, contemplating

Remembering this exact day, 5 years ago. Contemplating on what or if I should write. I don't want this to make anyone feel sad but for me to just talk. This particular day, week, in 2003 was the beginning of a "season" in my life and my family's life that changed us forever. On Monday, July 14th, I went in for a regular checkup at 18 weeks with my OB, Dr. Ehmer. This was the first trip Bri was able to go to b/c she had been in school. It was supposed to be a special day for her to hear the baby. I got up on the table and Dr. Ehmer used the doppler to check the heart rate. He couldn't find it. He then sent me into another room for a sonogram, the whole time saying that sometimes when the baby is this small, they can hide behind things and it's hard to use the doppler. I was a little unsure but accepted what he said. I can remember lying there looking at the screen and immediately knew w/o him saying a word. No little blinking light. No movement. Everything was still. I looked at Trevor then at Bri and reached for her hand and we started to cry. She grabbed me and put her head in my shoulder, sobbing. I told her over and over it would be OK, but it was me who was leaning on her. My sweet little 8 year old. My mind was all over the place as I stared at the ceiling. How was I going to break this to my family and friends? The baby measured 15 weeks. My previous appointment was at 14 weeks and at that time everything looked good. So for 3 weeks, I carried the little, lifeless body. Dr. Ehmer asked if he could call my parents and my pastor. I said no to my parents and reluctantly said yes to him calling Bro. Robert. He wrapped us all in his arms and prayed for us, trying to hold back his own tears. We then left through the private door, the same one I had been through 2 times before Colton. Then it was upstairs for blood work. He insisted that testing be done even though I told him it didn't matter. I was trying to keep it together while the lady drew tube after tube after tube of blood. After the longest hour and a half drive home, I didn't want to talk to anyone. All I could do was lay on the bed and cry. I had to wait 2 more days before being induced. Dr. Ehmer thought this would be best instead of a D&C. I am glad he made that decision for me. I prayed over the next 2 days that it was all a mistake, but then reality set in. I had to prepare for the delivery of my dead baby. So I prayed again, for God to give me strength to do this.