Our dreams are sure gonna miss him.

(Previous Post on my struggle with loss)
Today is the day I was induced, 5 years ago. We had to be at Baylor by 9:00 AM. Trevor and I were led to the room and the nurse asked "How are you doing today?" Uh, terrible! Actually, I said I could be doing better. Then I turned to Trevor and couldn't hold it in anymore. Not sure if she knew exactly what was going on or not. I wasn't upset with her, just the whole situation. Dr. Ehmer started the gel to get me dilated and then I got an epidural. The gel eventually made me very sick to my stomach for some reason and since I wasn't able to eat, I had dry heaves really bad that later made it difficult to breath once the pain meds wore off. Dr. E blamed it on possibly bruising or straining my diaphragm during all of that. They gave me phenergan but I asked for only a little so I wouldn't be completely out of it. He told me that I would feel some pressure as the baby passed through and to call him when it happened. The day seemed to drag on and late in the evening I felt the pressure but I didn't tell the nurse right away. I just wasn't ready to let go. Dr. E came in to check me and so I finally told him. The nurse was so kind. She cleaned him up and put him on a blanket then handed him to me. She and Dr. E left for a while so Trevor and I could be alone, just the 3 of us. He was very tiny, but he was mine, only for a little while. I didn't cry while holding him. I just wanted to absorb as much as I could. I lifted his hand on my index finger, being so small, it was about the size of a Barbie doll's hand. The nurse came back in and took some pictures for us to keep. There is one of him inside of the baby hat and one on the blanket. At first I wasn't even sure I wanted to see him, but now I am soo glad I did. Just as the nurse was wheeling me up to my room, I looked back one more time. I left him there, on the cold, sterile tray. Dr. E thought it would be best to have him tested to see if there were any problems. I got to my room and there was a card on the door with a picture of a curled up leaf with a tear in it. It was a notice for anybody to see that meant there was a loss. In the middle of the night I sat up quickly to see my baby in the bassinet and realized he wasn't there. I did that exact same thing with Bri and Colton when I delivered them. Natural reaction maybe? I don't know. I also did it with Rance. Next door to me was a woman who also lost her baby. I believe she was about 28 weeks. I could hear her crying and my heart just broke for her. I wanted to go and say something, or even just to let her know she wasn't alone, but I never did. I chose to pray for her instead. I regret not doing anything now. The chaplain gave me a box that was hand painted from a family that lost 2 boys. It included a stuffed lamb holding a cross, and a small baby ring. They make these to minister to others in remembrance. After we got home, my Mom, who had been with Bri and Colton, went and bought each of us balloon. Later that evening we drove to the marina and let them go. I think it helped Bri with closure. The hospital sent home a packet with information on grieving. With it, there was a form to order announcements, but not just any announcements. They were for grieving parents. I read through some examples and ordered a few to send out. This is how it read:

Our dreams are sure gonna miss him.

Keri and Trevor Booth

sadly announce the birth and death

of their son,

Landon Delphin

on July 17, 2003 at 9:44 p.m.

Landon weighed 1.4 oz. and was 5 inches long.

We will love him always.

Dear Family and Friends,

Acknowledgement of our baby's short life may be upsetting to you. You may think the less said the better. Until now we did not know how important it would be for us to tell you of our baby, even though our baby died. You can help us through this difficult time by letting us talk about our sorrow when we feel the need, allowing us to cry when we want , and not pretending everything's okay when it's not. It will take time; but with your support we will make it.

I had a hard time dealing with his death, crying myself to sleep night after night, not wanting to do anything. A week afterward, we went to the store. I had to get some crackers/cookies which is on the same aisle as the baby stuff. There were babies everywhere. I got really depressed and went home. I needed to do some laundry and grabbed the clothes to put them in the washer. When I did, there was the outfit I wore to the hospital. I just couldn't take it anymore and had a break down in the middle of the kitchen. Dr. E called often to check on me and I told him I had good days and bad days. He said I had post-traumatic stress disorder and prescribed Zoloft. Yea, funny pills. I was hesitant to take them but tried it. One little pill goes along way. My first pill I took whole and couldn't see straight for a whole day (took the night before). I had to break it in quarters and work my way up to whole again. Did that for about a month and had to wean myself off slowly. During that time, I heard from a few women at church who also lost a baby. Lots of people asked what they could do to help and I just said please pray. I did a lot of praying myself. Asking God to help me through this. I think that without faith, I would have eventually been tied up somewhere. Knowing that someday I will see all of my babies again brings me comfort. But I am not a patient person. After 3 more miscarriages, one being unrelated to my blood clotting disorder (a partial molar pregnancy), I was able to have another baby, another boy. My Rancey. I prayed, a lot, before, during and after. The twice daily shots in my stomach with heparin were definitley worth all the bruises and soreness. He was born in December 2006 and is such a sweetheart.

Thank you Lord for all of my children, here with me and the ones with You in Heaven. There are so many other women out there that I want to pray for tonight. Ones with little ones in heaven, ones not sure if their little ones will survive long after birth, and ones who are struggling daily to survive. Please give them all strength, and comfort them as you have comforted me. I pray specifically to heal these babies so there mommies and daddies can raise them to be God fearing adults. I want to also pray for a dear friend to give her peace of mind.

Landon's keepsakes